Art Daddy’s Remote Basel Concierge Services™ + Social Club for Art Basel 2025
For those who prefer not to suffer publicly: bespoke remote services for surviving the art world's most dehydrated week, plus access to the Art Daddy Social Club™—like Basel Social Club, but better.
Welcome to Art Daddy’s Remote Basel Concierge Services™, your hotline for barely holding it together during the glitter-dusted psychosis that is Art Basel 2025. Whether you're a booth daddy slowly dissolving under fluorescent lighting, a rogue curator in an ethical crisis, or just an advisor trying to pretend you don’t believe in astrology, we see you. We feel you. And we’ve built an entire bespoke suite of spiritually dissociative, logistically impossible, and emotionally misguided services just for you.
But that's not all. Back home in Brooklyn, we’ve launched the Art Daddy Social Club™—our low-dose, high-concept answer to Basel’s overly glossed chaos. If the Basel Social Club is a perfectly lit dinner for 40 with a Dior gift bag, ours is a backyard séance with a grilled oyster mushroom, a tote full of bootleg zines, and Raymond (yes, that Raymond—from The Hole) on ketamine guiding your psyche through a Lucio Fontana monograph. It’s part emotional support group, part upstate drug commune, part long-winded group text.
This year, the Social Club and Concierge Services have merged forces to offer a full suite of Basel-era survival tools—from drone-delivered Xanax and alibi crafting to high-speed exits from collectors’ dinners and emotionally manipulative playlist curation. Because no one makes it through Basel sober, spiritually intact, or without a tote bag that says “Don’t talk to me unless you’re buying.”
The Art Daddy Social Club
If the Basel Social Club is a five-course tasting menu, the Art Daddy Social Club is a mezcal spritz and a perfectly bruised banana in a canvas tote. Think of it as Brooklyn’s answer to all things Basel: looser, weirder, and far more chemically enhanced.
Founded by two slightly unhinged ex–art boyfriends turned concierges of chaos—one an upstate Bard grad with beard oil in every pocket, the other a Clinton Hill icon who’s never met a tote bag or text thread he didn’t overanalyze—the club gathers in backyards, artist kitchens, and occasionally, a very serious basement sauna.
Expect: stormy feelings, vintage Carhartt, unprocessed trauma disguised as takes on Tino Sehgal, and an aggressive number of zines. There’s always someone microdosing and crying over a sculpture. And then there’s Raymond—from The Hole, now reborn as our in-house daddy-shaman and full-time psychotropic concierge. He shows up in sunglasses at night, offers you an unlabeled tincture and a crushed Xanax, and says something like, “This one’s for clarity.” He’s part spirit guide, part liability, and allegedly lives in a yurt behind the Invisible Dog.
Need to disappear for a weekend? We’ve got you. Upstate field trips include Storm King on shrooms, tripping in a barn under a James Turrell print, and silent disco critiques of Sol LeWitt. When the visuals start melting, Raymond appears—sweaty, glowing, possibly levitating—with dried mango, electrolytes, and a vape full of ketamine.
Membership requirements: 1 tote, 2 unspoken obsessions, and 3 art crushes you’ll never admit to out loud.
Art Daddy’s Remote Basel Concierge Services™ were born from necessity—because every art fair demands its own emergency protocols. Basel isn’t Frieze, and Frieze isn’t Armory, and no two booth daddies break down the same way. Whether you're spiraling in Messeplatz or trapped at a collector’s fondue night, we’ve got the bespoke dysfunction you need to survive. Below: a complete list of services you didn’t know you needed, but can no longer live without.
✨BONUS PLATINUM FEATURE: Raymond on Speed Dial™✨
Because it’s Basel, darling—and things will get weird. Whether you’ve accidentally declared mushrooms at customs, mixed ket with crypto at the wrong villa, or just need a reputable dark web plug with next-day drone delivery—Raymond is your discreet, well-moisturized lifeline. One buzz and he’s there: border drama? Solved. Mix gone wrong? Balanced. Out of “party favors”? Restocked.
He doesn't ask questions, he just answers—fast. Concierge meets chemist meets criminal defense attorney in a Comme des Garçons shirt.
Included only with our Platinum Package™, because survival is an art.
1. Drone-Dropped Xanax & Champagne Packs Yes, we're serious. GPS-enabled relief, dispatched directly to Messeplatz. Comes with a handwritten note: "You're doing amazing, Daddy." (Dom Perignon not included unless emotionally justified.)
2. Collectors Dinner Extraction Plans You RSVP'd yes. You regret it. We'll send a decoy artist with a minor scandal to create a diversion. You leave through the kitchen. Your absence is never explained.
3. Geo-Tagged Avoidance Alerts Real-time location tracking to help you not bump into your ex, that one manipulative gallerist, or the critic who misgendered your practice. Alerts come in the form of Grace Jones’s voice saying "No, no, no, darling."
4. Conflict-Context Whisper Briefings Too scared to ask what's going on in the Middle East or why everyone at the booth is crying? We'll send you a short, mood-boarded geopolitical download formatted like a press release for Frieze.
5. Microdosing Schedule for Fairside Functioning Includes when to drop, when to sip, and when to absolutely not buy a painting of a sad clown. Optional add-on: an audio file of Jeremy O. Harris saying "Do it."
Additional Art Daddy Services: Basel Emergency Menu
Art World Situationship Detox Kit For when you run into your ex-dealer,, or that curator who once sexted you using only titles from the White Columns archive.
Includes:
A white noise playlist titled "He Was Never Gonna Show Your Work in Zurich Anyway"
A spritz of lavender & shame eraser mist
Optional voodoo doll (small, discreet, handmade in Bushwick)
Passive-Aggressive Basel Meditation App Voiced by Tilda Swinton, programmed by someone on mushrooms. Sample affirmations:
“You don’t need to go to Hauser’s brunch. Hauser doesn’t even want to go to Hauser’s brunch.”
“Just because they sold out doesn’t mean you have to care.”
“Your worth is not defined by a Basel Unlimited booth, babe.”
VIP Crying Cubicle Locator:
Bathrooms with full doors and soft lighting
Outdoor stairwells with decent airflow and zero art handlers
Collector home tours where no one will notice you weeping near a Stingel Add-on: "Art Dad will hold your bag virtually while you sob" mode.
Auto-Reply Generator for Basel Week Texts Preloaded with replies like:
“I’m on the VIP shuttle, no signal”
“So sorry, at a talk on grief and gelatin silver prints”
“Would love to but I’m in a protocol spiral with an oligarch’s niece” Works on gallerists, friends, and that annoying artist you almost dated in 2019.
Trauma-Informed Outfit Planning Send Art Daddy your Basel week mood and schedule and receive:
Three emotionally layered lewks with subtle messaging
One outfit designed to punish an ex
A backup kaftan for when the world ends mid-fair All outfits will scream “emotionally complex and trade-only.”
Emotional Safety Check During Champagne-Only Days Hourly reminders to hydrate, decompress, and not confess feelings to an art advisor in a pool. Includes:
“No one here loves you like that” alerts
“Don’t tell them you read Barthes in bed” lockout timer
Digital slap if you try to sneak off with a mega’s husband again
Anti-Power Play Decoder Ring Slip on the ring (or just imagine you did) and translate common Basel phrases like:
“Let’s talk after the fair” = Never speaking again
“We’re just placing it right now” = It’s already sold to someone hotter
“Are you in town long?” = Are you worth networking with beyond this table?
Collector Séance Hotline Channel the spirit of a forgotten patron to help haunt your enemies and open hearts (or wallets). Great for:
Spooking your way into a secondary market conversation
Summoning interest in your show at the other hotel fair
Whispering “Buy her work, you coward” during a VIP studio visit
Art Daddy offers no refunds, only revelations. Need me to stage a fake Zoom from the MoMA boardroom? Want to generate an AI-based fantasy of Larry Gagosian calling you “baby”? Done. Basel isn’t ready for you, Daddy. But you? You’re always ready. Book your digital spot today.