Announcing ✨ Art Daddy Advisory™ ✨
Luxury Exit Strategy for Men of Culture™: A bespoke legacy service by Art Daddy
Let’s face it: the art world is a ruthless jungle gym, and somewhere between your third divorce and the seventh gallery “on pause,” you’ve realized the view from the top is… thinner than it used to be. The interns don’t know who you are anymore. That 26-year-old curator you once tried to mentor now has a better Rolex and a Venice Pavilion. Your group chats echo with tumbleweeds. And yet — you’re still insisting you’re “building something.” Building what, exactly? A mausoleum of unread PDFs and unpaid invoices?
Your network’s shrinking faster than your patience for open-plan offices. The art fairs that once guaranteed cocktails and clout now feel like sweaty reunions of people pretending they still matter. And the truth? You’re tired. Tired of the endless hustle, tired of the hot takes that aren’t about you, tired of the feeling that maybe your moment has passed, but your spotlight? Not so much.
Inspired by Tim Blum’s elegantly understated exit—no scandals, no sobbing podcasts, no last-minute NFT pivots—Art Daddy Advisory™ was born. Because leaving the game should be as artful as playing it. This bespoke service is designed exclusively for aging men of culture who want to bow out with dignity, style, and perhaps a touch of ceremonial incense smoke.
You’re not done. This isn’t the final curtain. It’s your third act, reimagined and tastefully art-directed.
🎨 TIERED DEPARTURE PACKAGES
The Basel Fade™
Slip out quietly through the VIP lounge.
Includes:
Final dinner at Kunsthalle Basel with one anonymous art fair gossip seed planted in The Canvas
Farewell email ghostwritten by a retired PR diva now living in Portugal
Complimentary linen suit in “post-curatorial beige,” pocket square soaked in original-formula Dior Sauvage
The Marfa Vanishing™
Become myth. Drive west. No forwarding address.
Includes:
Off-grid desert retreat with fake Judd residency paperwork
Custom mezcal distilled from your most chaotic group show memory
Fake obituary leak to Artforum, later retracted “with regrets”
The Venice Phoenix™
Go out with a pavilion, not like a pauper.
Includes:
Unfunded foundation launch with vague programming
Private gondola exit scored by Sakamoto’s understudy and a Whitney flautist
One final “closing conversation” with Hans Ulrich—no transcript, no press
The Jerry Option™
Flame out with press. Leave behind subpoenas and soundbites.
Includes:
Emergency podcast meltdown tour with three pre-approved talking points
Anonymous Twitter thread “by a young artist”
Guest spot in your own downfall documentary on Mubi, narrated by your ex
🧘♂️ DADDY REIKI ENERGY WORK™
Art world stress lives in the body. Especially your body. Our in-house healer (a former Zwirner VIP Relations manager turned energetic detox therapist) offers:
Aura Cleansing with Palo Santo snagged from a Frieze booth fire sale
Chakra Realignment using expired Saffronart paddle numbers
Somatic Release Breathwork focused on letting go of the desperate need for interns to know your CV
Guided meditation mantra:
“I am not the center of the discourse. And that’s okay.”
✨ À LA CARTE LEGACY OPTIONS
Daddy Memoir, But Make It Fiction™
Ghostwritten “novel” with sex scenes optional and NDAs encouragedThe Legacy Branding Package™
Custom serif logo, personal stamp, stationery suite, and new signature (Helvetica Neue or cursive)Obituary Pre-Write™
NYT-ready with three voice options: Humble Giant, Overlooked Visionary, or Problematic But ImportantArt Daddy Detox Box™
Includes sage stick, rare Agnes Martin bootleg PDF, burner phone, and the contact of one Swiss tax lawyer who owes us a favorThe Last Show™
One final exhibition produced entirely by people younger than your last divorce. You don’t attend—that’s the point.
🏛 LEGACY CONCIERGE CLUB (Invitation Only)
Subscription-based white-glove service for art dads in denial. Includes:
Weekly voice notes from a fake Berlin curator telling you you’re still relevant
Quarterly dossiers on who’s aging poorly in your peer group
Personalized burner Twitter account to monitor mentions, defend your reputation, and gently cyberbully your enemies
Art Daddy Advisory™ is for anyone who once called Berlin “home,” has strong opinions on an artist’s early work, and still name-drops Theaster Gates at every panel. Your career may be ending, but your aesthetic death march should be beautiful, controlled, and — above all — monetizable. You don’t need closure. You need a bespoke farewell with imported incense and legacy-level lighting design.
Apply now. Or have your assistant do it.